Let’s be real and admit that people sometimes let us down. It stings, especially if it happens often or if the disappointment comes from someone you really care about. As a coach who treasures relationships and the unique spark that each and every person carries, here’s a truth that might lift some weight from your shoulders: most of the time—correction, almost all of the time—someone else’s actions are about their journey and have little or nothing to do with you. And, they never, ever have anything to do with your value as a human being.
We humans are wired to take things personally. That’s not a flaw; it’s a survival instinct that helps us make sense of the world. Sometimes, however, this instinct goes into overdrive. Maybe a friend didn’t call when expected, or someone didn’t show up for your big moment. Our inner storyteller can spin a narrative that’s all about what “we did wrong,” even when there’s no real evidence. Psychologists call this personalization.
Maybe you send a heartfelt message to a friend and they take hours or even days to reply—or they don’t reply at all. Instantly, your mind wonders, “Did I say something wrong?” or begins to shrink, thinking, “Maybe I’m just not that important to them”. In reality, their delay likely has nothing to do with you. Most people are simply busy, caught up in their own lives, and their response time is never a reflection of your worth.
There’s a saying that states “What you focus on grows,” and I’ve seen it ring true time and time again. If we focus on disappointment, it feels like the world is handing us more reasons to feel let down. But when we consciously pivot our thinking, even a tiny bit, amazing things start to happen.
Why Does Disappointment Sometimes Seem to Multiply?
There’s real research and lived experience showing that when we’re tuned in to feeling let down, our brains become little detectives, noticing every slight and gathering “evidence” that supports our story. This happens in part because of the Reticular Activating System (RAS)—the brain’s powerful filtering mechanism—which focuses our attention on whatever we’re already thinking about. When we fixate on disappointment, the RAS highlights every moment that seems to confirm it, making those feelings grow.
The good news is, we can intentionally direct what our inner detective and our RAS look for, training ourselves to notice encouragement, connection, and possibility instead.
How to Break Free When Disappointment Strikes
- Pause and Get Curious: Instead of spinning stories about why someone disappointed you, get curious. Get a pen and paper and write down “What else could be true here?”. Then write down some possibilities. The writing will help you focus, and most often, you’ll find that the answers have nothing to do with you at all.
- Reconnect to Your Enough-ness: Remember, your worth doesn’t depend on how anyone else acts. It never has, and it never will. Your energy, passion, and presence are gifts, period.
- Name What You Want to Grow: Actively look for moments of kindness, affirmation, or support—no matter how small. Focus on what you want to see, and you’ll invite more of it into your world.
- Choose Compassion for Yourself: It’s normal to feel the sting of disappointment. Give yourself permission to feel it, but also permission to let it pass through. You are not defined by how others show up (or don’t show up) in your life.
- Celebrate Your Enthusiasm: If you’ve ever wondered “Maybe I was too excited?” when others didn’t match your energy—please don’t dim your light. The world needs your joy. People’s reactions say far more about their own place in life than about your sparkle.
For the People-Pleasers and Big-Hearted Souls
If you find yourself longing to be liked, or wishing others felt the same excitement about your dreams—know that you’re in great company. So many of us share that hope. The trick is not to shrink when others can’t meet us where we are, and to remember: we aren’t “too much”. Maybe they’re just not ready for as much.
Parting Thought
The next time someone disappoints you, pause. Offer yourself a little grace. Shift your gaze to what’s good, what’s growing, and what’s true: you are worthy, right here, right now, just as you are. And, sometimes, letting go of those who can’t see your worth is the greatest act of self-love. Keep focusing on what matters most to you, and watch your world expand in beautiful ways.
Matthew Walley
Coach and Founding Partner
Inside Outlooks Coaching and Consulting
info@Inside Outlooks.com
Changing lives from the inside out!
